coffee has failed me

There are a few essentials a human being needs in order to survive. Among the basics are food, water and sleep. I have had plenty of water today, so much so that I feel as if I have the bladder of an infant. I have now reached the point in my day where a big decision needs to be made: do I eat or do I sleep?

When creating the schedule for this week, my boss took a simple request and ignored it. Due to this oversight, I am opening tomorrow morning. It is 930 now, I have just arrived home and I have to be up around 3am. Decisions, decisions.

I am choosing sleep.

so long, sweet summer

As august nears its end, I am thinking back on my accomplishments for the month and looking toward september with a great deal of hope and excitement. It certainly has been a wild month for my household and I don't think I would want it any other way. Below, some of the highlights of my very busy august.

I kicked off the month celebrating my child's 6th birthday. We had a party here, at the house, centered around an art theme. I baked and decorated the cake as I do every year and each of the attendees was able to add their own personality to a blank canvas I had purchased. The girls gathered around with paint and brushes, remaining nearly silent for quite awhile. The end result was a colourful 3'x3' masterpiece that my daughter will have as a keepsake of her special day. I think we had a successful party.

Just two days after our art party, on august 9th, I took my daughter to school for her first day of the new school year. I must say that it was a proud moment for me to watch her enter her classroom for the first time, eager to learn and experience new things. Seeing the excited look on her face gave me inspiration for my own future. In two minutes she had managed to remind me that each new experience in life is something to look forward to and be thankful for. If only we could retain the wonder children possess into adulthood!

August held small victories for me. My daughter's school had the entirety of its japanese language and culture program reinstated and I had the opportunity to, once again, volunteer. I intend to help out as much as I can this year, though my free time will be little. I was finally able to procure a new state identification card after months of soliciting paperwork. My financial aid was processed and awarded on time, allowing me to have my schooling paid for. I conquered registration and began classes after eight years off. August created a strong, forward momentum in my life and I intend to keep pushing along that path.

I am anxious for september. My schooling will continue, creating new challenges along the way. I will have to find and maintain the delicate balance of working full time, attending school full time and still being a good mother to my little one, but I am confident I will be able to do it all. My support system is in place and knowing its there reduces my strain considerably.

The end of september has me traveling south. I will only be in texas for a week, but what an intense week it will be. I am joking to myself that the trip is a leadership summit on the potential, no, probable direction of my life. But...there is time to ruminate on that later on. *wink*

As I bid adieu to warm august and look toward september and the beginning of fall, I can say that I am ready and excited. Big changes, people, big changes. I'm giddy with anticipation.

just keep swimming

I have just arrived home after my second day of classes and I am exhausted. I would be lying if I said that I knew it was going to be this incredibly difficult. I understood when I began the process that it would be hard. I could have never known I would feel this awful before I even completed my first week.

This causes so many conflicts in my head. Will I really be able to balance being a mother, student and working a full time job? My confidence is shaky, at best. I know that I am already here and I will give it my all but I need to let go of the ideal of perfection. This is the hardest part for me. I put unrealistic expectations on myself and get so disappointed if I am unable to fulfill my self imposed obligations.

I will learn much in my educational career. The most important lesson I will need to learn before I can hope to continue is that I am human. I have limitations. I was not blessed with a super power that will allow me to go through this experience and feel no fatigue. I am not perfect and can never become perfect. Flawed as I am, I am me.

Today I learned that the people that matter in my life are proud of me regardless of the end result. As long as they are behind me, I should not feel as if I am letting anyone down. That is just the pressure I put upon myself talking.

sophomore slump

When life hands you lemons, hand them back and politely say "no, thank you. I do not require your stinking lemons at this time."

My return to school has been a difficult endeavor. I decided in 2002 to take a year off, recover my wits and run headlong back into it. Unfortunately, life seldom turns out the way we plan. Things happen; we gain experience and delay our dreams. Life happened to me in the form of financial difficulty, a brief foray into marriage, one precocious child and various circumstances out of my control. The shortened version of my story is that taking a year off meant taking 8 years off in my version.

Here we are in 2010...the tail end of, actually. Following an ambitious discussion with an old co worker of mine last winter, I make the decision to return to a learning environment. I selected the institution that would best fit my current needs and set out to gather the myriad forms and paperwork required of a prospective student. I filled in blanks, supplied information, proved and reproved the facts of me, made phone calls and sent faxes. I was delayed more times than not and waited in lines I honestly believed I would still be in upon my death. It all came together last thursday, august 19, 2010. Registration was completed and I nearly skipped away from the school, beaming and feeling as if I could conquer the world after running the gauntlet of college admissions and financial aid. I rode that high straight through the weekend and into my first class, fine art 107.

When I arrived to my classroom this evening, I confidently grabbed a chair next to another student and arranged my notebook and pen neatly on the clean table top in front of me. My text was absent to do an unfortunate bookstore shortage, but that was okay. It's all syllabus and expectations the first day. We quickly made it through roll call, passed the sign in sheet and got into the syllabus. I still felt on top of the world. Even when instructed to write a 10 minute essay arguing for or against the importance of originality in art, I was still floating along. Then we divided by viewpoint, swapped arguments and began to debate. The examples of those around me soared over my head and I realized that I had lost a great deal of altitude. There were a few more unnerving turns of events and I found myself below sea level by the conclusion of class.

I descended the 10 flights of stairs to the main level in a daze. What had just happened to me? Curve balls had been thrown and I just stood there gaping, unsure of how to react. I treaded uncertainty for the duration of time in the back stair well. What have I gotten myself into?! Get a grip, woman! Change your perspective now!

I did not fight to get to this point only to become overwhelmed with the details. Some things I can fix, others I can try to negotiate. In the end, it is what it is and I can do nothing less than give it my best and take what comes. My future will come to me in deeps breaths with one day at a time. My arrogance has been evicted but my determination...well, it will not be going anywhere.

straight lines circle sometimes

It occurred, fairly recently, that the fog in which I moved had shifted, eventually dissipating and leaving a clear path ahead. Even stranger than the three years of confusion I had wandered was that this path, this newly revealed route, was anything but new. I recognized familiarities from my past and began to think I was circling back. In a way, I am.

What lies ahead is not a repeat of places I've already been, things I have already done. It is an opportunity to finish what I have already started. I've left a trail of loose ends for miles and I have been granted the wonderful opportunity of getting back to them.

There is a great deal of work ahead of me. The rewards outweigh the trials. To learn, to love and be loved, to accomplish...these are my end results and ultimate motivations. I have found who I had sought and that miraculous discovery has set my life in motion. I am inspired once more. I feel a strength and power unlike any I have known in quite some time and I am ready. I am taking my life back.

If it is better to have loved and lost, then how incredible is it to have loved, lost and rediscovered?