sophomore slump

When life hands you lemons, hand them back and politely say "no, thank you. I do not require your stinking lemons at this time."

My return to school has been a difficult endeavor. I decided in 2002 to take a year off, recover my wits and run headlong back into it. Unfortunately, life seldom turns out the way we plan. Things happen; we gain experience and delay our dreams. Life happened to me in the form of financial difficulty, a brief foray into marriage, one precocious child and various circumstances out of my control. The shortened version of my story is that taking a year off meant taking 8 years off in my version.

Here we are in 2010...the tail end of, actually. Following an ambitious discussion with an old co worker of mine last winter, I make the decision to return to a learning environment. I selected the institution that would best fit my current needs and set out to gather the myriad forms and paperwork required of a prospective student. I filled in blanks, supplied information, proved and reproved the facts of me, made phone calls and sent faxes. I was delayed more times than not and waited in lines I honestly believed I would still be in upon my death. It all came together last thursday, august 19, 2010. Registration was completed and I nearly skipped away from the school, beaming and feeling as if I could conquer the world after running the gauntlet of college admissions and financial aid. I rode that high straight through the weekend and into my first class, fine art 107.

When I arrived to my classroom this evening, I confidently grabbed a chair next to another student and arranged my notebook and pen neatly on the clean table top in front of me. My text was absent to do an unfortunate bookstore shortage, but that was okay. It's all syllabus and expectations the first day. We quickly made it through roll call, passed the sign in sheet and got into the syllabus. I still felt on top of the world. Even when instructed to write a 10 minute essay arguing for or against the importance of originality in art, I was still floating along. Then we divided by viewpoint, swapped arguments and began to debate. The examples of those around me soared over my head and I realized that I had lost a great deal of altitude. There were a few more unnerving turns of events and I found myself below sea level by the conclusion of class.

I descended the 10 flights of stairs to the main level in a daze. What had just happened to me? Curve balls had been thrown and I just stood there gaping, unsure of how to react. I treaded uncertainty for the duration of time in the back stair well. What have I gotten myself into?! Get a grip, woman! Change your perspective now!

I did not fight to get to this point only to become overwhelmed with the details. Some things I can fix, others I can try to negotiate. In the end, it is what it is and I can do nothing less than give it my best and take what comes. My future will come to me in deeps breaths with one day at a time. My arrogance has been evicted but my determination...well, it will not be going anywhere.